|Take my head out of the game I just don't need it anymore...
||[Nov. 15th, 2016|08:44 pm]
...I feel you in my bones, you're knocking at my windows
You're slow to letting me go I know this feeling oh so... this feeling in my bones
I'm trying to figure out who and when and where and why re: this immense and convoluted barrier to actual self awareness and connection between my personal thoughts and my outward manifestations. I'm not sure who I am on the outside but it's skin deep impersonality that when peeled back is glowing red, hostility is always in some way coupled with the shallowness. I play the victim more than I want to or should, and I don't think I've ever even questioned until now why I need to, and if there's an answer to be had I'm not expecting it to surface here. I remember a long time ago asking myself if I would like myself if I was to be briefly encountered, and the answer has over the years been overwhelmed by the intensity of the question, the fear that I am kidding myself about any perception of positive image. I feel like the worst actor playing someone I actually do like. I'm a critic panning my own performance. I'm unimpressed, at times appalled.
... Nobody likes me baby if I cry...
"nah i feel like
really weirdly separated
from everything, too much
so to focus on a game or
anything other than music
feeling super introspective and shit
weirdly slipping into a hole of it. man, sometimes i realize that i have no clue what I actually seem like to others. i have almost zero sense of who i am. that can be good, i guess. could leave more time for actual self expression. but i have no idea what i expressed to anyone today, or any day. i have no idea what anyone alive thinks of me, and don't know if i'm supposed to know that, or if i should even want to
Is extrospection a thing? LJ doesn't automatically spellcheck. I like that little bit of disconnection frankly, because here I can just type it and let it be a thing and not feel the burden of having to know little unimportant things. I feel the older I've gotten the less the many external forces of adult life have allowed me time for introspection. I'm not even sure why I'm feeling introspective tonight, and it's unusual enough that I had to talk about it with E to get a little pseudopsychic feedback about my own motivation. I started talking and quickly felt like I was turning the feeling into an objective, and man... when I'm introspective, having an objective is a truly alien concept.
At work there's a guy who seems to be so full of objective. I can feel the extent to which he's plotting his every move and interaction towards some end goal. It's loathsome, depressing and fascinating all at the same time. I wonder if/when he'll run out of steam. I wonder if he did once, and that's why he's so driven now. I wonder if he feels like he has no choice to consign himself to a plan, even if it isn't plan A.
Man I wish I could travel light
Everything I drop I pick up twice
I'm overdressed everywhere I go
In the shower alone
In my mind on the road
In the conceptual show
Decades are getting shorter
I hope it goes both ways
Where could I stay now?
Too long in the driver's seat
I long and long and long
To sit back in the dark
In the wind from the night
Not caring at all where I go